Within our host culture lie several complicated cultural minefields. We do try, as often as possible, to avoid them. When we stumble upon them, we freeze and try to determine the most delicate and grace-inducing manner to back out of the mess.
For instance, when dealing with a problem, a mediator should always be enlisted. Within the employment realm, contracts mean nothing. They are suggestions of how the relationship MIGHT work out, but there is nothing to hold either party to a signed contract. In fact, there are boiler-plate contracts we have signed at various levels of official approvals and we're told plainly that it is simply a form. Usually it is fully in Chinese, many pages long, and goes into some file system somewhere to show that a "step" in the multi-step system was completed.
So when you have an issue at work, generally speaking, there is no guarantee of how it will resolve (no contract to fall back on really.) You enlist someone to help you with the problem, for foreigners, sometimes it is someone entirely outside of the specific employment environment, to contact your boss and to have a chat about you and your problem, indirectly.
This is also true with relationship issues. Often if there is a problem you go to a third party to help mediate the situation, immediately. For the Western mind that seems complicated and so indirect! Surely you could just sit down an TALK about it, right? If you have a good relationship with your boss, or with your friend, my first instinct would always be to talk about it with them directly to see if we can "work it out." Time and time again we've seen this work out to a poor end. There simply are more ways to skin a cat, and to live Here, means that we must adapt our communication and relational skills to the cultural norm.
All this is well and good, UNLESS you are the foreigner and your boss or friend needs to tell YOU something.
So as a Westerner, I know that items that are "not-personal" in the West are dealt with head-on, directly. But items of a more personal manner, things relating to your health, your marriage, your family...anything personal...and certainly anything that could be considered offensive/hurtful to the other party...we Westerners just DON'T GO THERE! Am I right?
We are taught, culturally speaking, to tell little "white lies" when something personal that could offend of hurt the other party comes up...ie. it is not the most darling baby you've ever seen, but you say it is...she really has gained weight, but you comment that she looks well...you see him drink too much at the office parties, and think he might have a problem, but you keep it to yourself...you think that they are doing something inadequate in the raising of their kids, but never in a million years would you tell them so....(I'm not advocating this practice, just relating the example for communication purposes.)
But it would seem that when living Here, and being the foreigner, there are no limits on the "direct help/comments" you might receive from your acquaintances...even a stranger you cross on the road! This has taken some getting used to!
Lots of people in the adoption community talk about visiting Here to pick up their children and having old ladies on the streets wag their fingers at them, shaming them, for not having the child bundled up to the local standard. But, when you live here awhile...that is a walk in the park!
We've been told outright that:
1) We're too fat (several times, in front of various crowds)...true, but painful...recently Daddy had his stomach patted when he left our regular lunch-time restaurant...
2) Americans are terrible in Math and they hope our kids can measure up (at dinner parties, at school assemblies)
3) That we don't have enough money to have so many children. (we've been questioned about our earnings in groups, we've been asked if we live on government assistance from the US, we've been asked how much money we have in the bank, etc.)
4) We've been told that we cannot possibly take good enough care of our children, given the number of them. (at a dinner party, several times one on one by a "concerned" friend!...mind you they think everything is going well with the children now...but just wait...doom must be around the corner!)
5) We've been told that we're just "lucky" that our kids are well-behaved, that parenting has nothing to do with it (at a school meeting with other teachers & parents)
6) That we (I) drink too much Coke (I'm sure it is true, it is my vice, but I'm talking about one friend who connects everything in my life to drinking Coke...if my neck hurts, if I have a cold, if I'm having a hard day...then she tried to get her children to counsel me against drinking Coke...just got another email last night apologizing that she had to correct this flaw in my lifestyle again!...she also told me last week that we were getting sick because we had a few struggling/dying plants in our home)
7) That we, under no circumstances, should adopt anymore children...because it makes no fiscal sense.
8) That we should not consider adopting (adding to the family) without the express permission of our chancellor of schools...we've been told this a few times. (Consider this in your US school settings....you must go to the Superintendent and see if he/she is in agreement with your family expansion plans.)
9) We've been told that we are endangering our kids when we don't take them immediately to the hospital when they have a fever, cough or sniffle...(we have done this to avoid potentially other more serious exposures at the hospital, and the perfunctory 3-5 days worth of regular IV infusions...even for a common cold!)
10) That if we allow our children to wear sandals in May, no matter the weather (80-90 degrees), they will soon be really sick. (This may be true as most of our kids are not fighting some sort of a stomach thing...perhaps transmitted through the toenails?)
Each time we have one of these direct/personal comments...we have to handle it in a way that shows grace...
I have nearly bit my tongue in half so many times! But we have to remain calm, and remember why we came...
Just last night, after reading another (by Western standards) very pushy health warning in an email...I took a breather and composed a "thank you for loving me" email response.
My normal nature, when I face these comments, would like to point out the dozens of things I see that I think are crazy about this person/culture that are far more health-threatening, medically incorrect, philosophically incorrect...but then, what would I accomplish?
Remember us in this area as we strive for Grace in all our responses.
And, don't be surprised this summer when we're on furlough, if we let you know of some areas that you should make some improvements...
Hope you have a nice start to your week!
23 May 2011
19 May 2011
Strengthen your hands
Recently, we had visitors from the West who blessed us with their presence and some encouragement from the Word. Not surprisingly, part of the message was to "Be strong and do the work." This has been an ongoing theme in our regular readings over the past several months. Further the passages spoke about how He would complete the good work He has begun. This is essential to hang on to as we recognize that being Here is by His direction and for His purposes. Finally we were reminded to "strengthen our hands" for the work Here. We have needed this encouragement as we're feeling inadequate for the work before us.
I would be lying to say that it has been easy-breezy over the past month of radio silence on the blog.
We've had changes.
Our teammates who were Here for 18 months departed last week. It was an emotional time and one of surrendering to change. Our girls, particularly Magpie and The Bug have had a rough time of it. In many of their classes, our teammate's girls who were the same age as our girls and our two were the 4 musketeers. (that was a terribly complicated sentence.) So they see/feel the new absence daily.
We also had some real disappointment and frustration with Qian Qian's surgery. We have been waiting for 6 months to get him into a special surgery bloc this month. Foreign doctors from Canada came to a southwestern city here and we had reserved a spot for Qian Qian. We were delighted when we finally got Qian Qian and his parents on a train to the SW'ern city just 10 days ago! One of the other reasons we've waited for the palate surgery was that QQ needed to gain some weight. To get him in with the Canadian doctors, he had to weigh 10 kilograms, due to a regulation of the hospital there for anesthesia.
QQ weighed 9.5 kilograms when we had him Here and got his lip closed. That was in November. We thought for sure that in 6 months, a normal 14 months old baby (at this point) should have gained weight. Sadly, we got the call after they had arrived for the pre-op physical that our precious boy had LOST weight in the past 6 months. He was down to 9 kilograms. As you can imagine, on so many levels, this was not good news. We had to put them on the train back home the next day.
QQ's family has 4 older sisters and then himself. Mother and Father are farmers living in the poorest Province of this great nation. They explained that often to fill QQ's tummy they feed him sugar water...to save on having to purchase expensive milk powder. Sugar water does not grow babies well. And so, dear QQ has lost weight over the past 6 months. We were so discouraged!
We are changing our direction now, and we have entered into an arrangement to supply monthly sponsorship funds to help with the purchase of milk powder. Now our eyes are set on November again...the foreign team will be here and they are reserving a spot for QQ. Our focus is on getting QQ growing and gaining.
We're hoping to find some like-minded folks who live in QQ's family's province who can check up on him regularly as well as work on developing a relationship with the family as a whole. Keep lifting this situation up with us!
We also been involved for the past 5 weeks with a massive reorganization of our apartment. We have really needed to make better use of the space we do have so that we can more effectively fit our numerous family members into this place! So to that end, we have moved all the kids into sleeping in bunks in one room. So far this makes for a CRAZY bedtime situation, but it seems that they're settling.
We've gotten rid of a large guest bed that we had in a room that took up so much space and since none of your people will come over and visit us, it largely sat unused. We took out that bed and Daddy constructed a massive closet in that bedroom. Shelves from the floor to ceiling and now ALL the kids clothes are in one room. So far the reviews are really positive!
We also used one of the other bedrooms (we have two apartments together, so 4 bedrooms in total) as a second "living space" for games and movies. This may be my favorite improvement as it gives us the chance to get out of the SAME ROOM all the time! We had guests recently, and we could put some kids in the new room, while discussing matters easily with the guests in the living room.
All this improvement nearly broke us however as we worked on it in our "free time" (Saturdays) for 5 weeks! The house was in total chaos and I thought I was going insane! But all is right in the world now...at least in our apartment. Perhaps all of it points to that nesting urge we feel when a new child is coming.
Today I hope to find out about the feasibility of getting Nehemiah home before summer furlough. It would be a mind-bending, mountain-moving experience that would potentially rival the boys' journey last year. But we have FAITH for whatever! Please lift this up with us. We believe it would be so much better, in so many ways, if he were to get home with us ASAP and we didn't have to wait through the long furlough before getting him!
Must run and get some breakfast on...sorry for the long and tedious update.
My hands still feel a bit weak for the work before us.
I would be lying to say that it has been easy-breezy over the past month of radio silence on the blog.
We've had changes.
Our teammates who were Here for 18 months departed last week. It was an emotional time and one of surrendering to change. Our girls, particularly Magpie and The Bug have had a rough time of it. In many of their classes, our teammate's girls who were the same age as our girls and our two were the 4 musketeers. (that was a terribly complicated sentence.) So they see/feel the new absence daily.
We also had some real disappointment and frustration with Qian Qian's surgery. We have been waiting for 6 months to get him into a special surgery bloc this month. Foreign doctors from Canada came to a southwestern city here and we had reserved a spot for Qian Qian. We were delighted when we finally got Qian Qian and his parents on a train to the SW'ern city just 10 days ago! One of the other reasons we've waited for the palate surgery was that QQ needed to gain some weight. To get him in with the Canadian doctors, he had to weigh 10 kilograms, due to a regulation of the hospital there for anesthesia.
QQ weighed 9.5 kilograms when we had him Here and got his lip closed. That was in November. We thought for sure that in 6 months, a normal 14 months old baby (at this point) should have gained weight. Sadly, we got the call after they had arrived for the pre-op physical that our precious boy had LOST weight in the past 6 months. He was down to 9 kilograms. As you can imagine, on so many levels, this was not good news. We had to put them on the train back home the next day.
QQ's family has 4 older sisters and then himself. Mother and Father are farmers living in the poorest Province of this great nation. They explained that often to fill QQ's tummy they feed him sugar water...to save on having to purchase expensive milk powder. Sugar water does not grow babies well. And so, dear QQ has lost weight over the past 6 months. We were so discouraged!
We are changing our direction now, and we have entered into an arrangement to supply monthly sponsorship funds to help with the purchase of milk powder. Now our eyes are set on November again...the foreign team will be here and they are reserving a spot for QQ. Our focus is on getting QQ growing and gaining.
We're hoping to find some like-minded folks who live in QQ's family's province who can check up on him regularly as well as work on developing a relationship with the family as a whole. Keep lifting this situation up with us!
We also been involved for the past 5 weeks with a massive reorganization of our apartment. We have really needed to make better use of the space we do have so that we can more effectively fit our numerous family members into this place! So to that end, we have moved all the kids into sleeping in bunks in one room. So far this makes for a CRAZY bedtime situation, but it seems that they're settling.
We've gotten rid of a large guest bed that we had in a room that took up so much space and since none of your people will come over and visit us, it largely sat unused. We took out that bed and Daddy constructed a massive closet in that bedroom. Shelves from the floor to ceiling and now ALL the kids clothes are in one room. So far the reviews are really positive!
We also used one of the other bedrooms (we have two apartments together, so 4 bedrooms in total) as a second "living space" for games and movies. This may be my favorite improvement as it gives us the chance to get out of the SAME ROOM all the time! We had guests recently, and we could put some kids in the new room, while discussing matters easily with the guests in the living room.
All this improvement nearly broke us however as we worked on it in our "free time" (Saturdays) for 5 weeks! The house was in total chaos and I thought I was going insane! But all is right in the world now...at least in our apartment. Perhaps all of it points to that nesting urge we feel when a new child is coming.
Today I hope to find out about the feasibility of getting Nehemiah home before summer furlough. It would be a mind-bending, mountain-moving experience that would potentially rival the boys' journey last year. But we have FAITH for whatever! Please lift this up with us. We believe it would be so much better, in so many ways, if he were to get home with us ASAP and we didn't have to wait through the long furlough before getting him!
Must run and get some breakfast on...sorry for the long and tedious update.
My hands still feel a bit weak for the work before us.
18 May 2011
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